If anybody knows what a noose is knows that it leaves a chilling feeling, especially for Black Americans. The idea of doing that to somebody is making a huge statement. I took an assessment a while ago that connected with pleasing people. I thought about it, and I was the type that wanted to gain people’s favor. I wanted to be liked, and attending to people played a part in it. I want to get rid of it, and what better way of getting rid of it than by hanging it with a noose.
I’ll start with work, since deciding to write about this circled around employment at the time. I deliver food from various restaurants in the city, whether it’s to businesses or places of residents. A while ago after delivering an order, I went to the car to get the next assignment, and my car wouldn’t start. After trying to start it, I called a friend of mine, then my mother. I had a talk with the Lord about 3 things that were weighing heavy on me (the car problem had me open up). My mother comes to help jump the car, and we have a discussion about my job. She wants me to have a job that pays more money and doesn’t do damage to my car. I agreed, but later on I resented the comments she made because they weren’t revealed much since our last discussion about my employment. I like my job, I wished I was paid more, and I want my vehicle to be considered for help by my job while I’m working there. I will have worked there a year this coming May.
Based on my conversation with my mother, I know I can’t please her wishes all of the time. She wants me working somewhere where I don’t use my car. A while ago, she was throwing places of recommendation, and they were within walking distance from her job. I’m not having that. She asked if I would go back to Amazon, and I said they only want me during the Christmas shopping season. She’ll probably have problems with me working at a pillow factory testing feathers. My mother may not understand why I wouldn’t go back to my previous jobs. The last job I had included a mind-warping schedule, machines that I questioned if they were operational, and a supervisor’s temper I didn’t want to tolerate, something I leave out of applications, but the person who hired me was cool, and he said to hit him up if I needed a reference. The position before that dealt with food, and I learned that my speed isn’t up to par for that industry. Also, I was around some coworkers who liked to talk a lot of “stuff.” A few of them were irritating, and now I wished I would have confronted them about it in a peaceful way.
Pleasing people at work or anywhere else is a drain for me because it takes my energy away. If I tried to be and do what everyone wanted me to be and do I would end up in a mental institution. I would have many faces without tending to my own. That also goes for the friendships I had and the ones I have. In seminary, I dodged a lot of connections because I felt I would be the odd man in all of it. I was tending to people’s comfort zones. I was hiding from rejection. And some of them people were cool, too. They went out of their way to talk with me. My mind was warped then. I wanted things to be how I thought without anybody’s input. If I ever catch up with those folks, I would have to thank them. Now, I have friends in the church I go to. I wonder how that came to be after all that happened with me in seminary. I’m like, “I’m giving this a try again?”
I didn’t make impacting friends in the past because later on I didn’t trust the connection they had with me. It’s like working for their acceptance. I guess all I needed was a pair of Jordan’s, an N.W.A tape (old), money, win some fights, and do things in hopes my parents won’t find out. That sounds way out there, but some may have done it. I would try to be cool with them, but I may not receive friendship in return. Even with family members. I admit that I was the hater, as I saw one family member receiving a good amount of attention, and there wasn’t a concrete reason why the person was receiving the spotlight. Now, I would suggest that the spotlight would be shared. If I were to engulf myself in giving that family member or any previous people a huge amount of praise I would have felt like their subordinate, their lackey. In present time, the same family members aren’t speaking to each other as they used to, and I haven’t heard from the people I tried to befriend for years.
Trying to please people didn’t work well for me, and to do the same thing now would be crazy. I think about how I act around certain people, hoping not to set off anything negative. At my age and at this time, that needs to be destroyed. If there are eggshells I should avoid stepping on, those eggshells shouldn’t be on the ground in the first place. So, I want to smash and hang people pleasing with a noose. I don’t want to dance around company that I suspect gets awkward when I’m around. I don’t want to feel that I need to pass tests to gain someone’s respect. I don’t need to look in the mirror and ask, “What’s wrong with me?” I have my faults and problems, but they shouldn’t determine who I connect with. I’m saying enough with trying to make people feel happy and going towards what makes God happy, or just staying in God’s presence. When I’m in His presence, I don’t worry about stuff like pleasing people. If I do it enough, it will just be a history lesson.
And I’m just getting started.