Something Small, 5/31/16.

  • A few weeks ago, I went on a retreat with the young adults from a church ministry. It was last minute, and folks wanted me to go, but I said I couldn’t, using work as the reason. I… didn’t want to go because of my mind state. The retreat was cool, a bit short and lighter than last year’s. What I was doing while on the retreat was singing a line from D’Angelo’s song “Left & Right” and kept singing (to myself) “you belong.” I may know why I was doing that. I felt I didn’t belong in the past. Sometimes I felt like I was the elephant in the room. Now, if I belong, there is some mental work to be done so that I can feel accepted. In the past, I have faced rejection and abandonment, and I have done it, too, and the wounds lasted a long time. I pray to continue to heal from those things, and I hope to share and teach about acceptance.
  • I have two jobs, now. What’s crazy is that I wanted to start my other job on the 20th of May, but they asked me to help them out on a Wednesday afternoon, and I’ve been working there since. I need to get my check from there, too. I wanted to originally get the new job, starting on the 20th, while giving a notice to leave the other, but that didn’t happen. Since getting the 2nd job, my attitude has changed. My mother said I seemed brighter. Now, I’m doing two things I never thought I would do: janitorial work and work a cashier. I may be remolded into someone I am yet to be, and if it’s a good thing I’m all for it. Working the cleaning position has been energy draining, and I have mentioned my frustrations with the job before, but I’m there for a reason, and I will leave that position in the future hopefully in a proper fashion. I hope to find another position that helps me grow.
  • I was working at the cleaning job, and while I was working one night I was praying, and I was talking about my anxiety, since I was anxious about working a cash register at my other job that I started. I have a past with my anxiety, and it may have burned some bridges. Now, while praying, I talked about anxiety and the curse of anxiety. This caused me to stop what I was doing and sit down for a short time for it was an “a-ha” moment. I asked/ prayed to remove the curse of anxiety. I felt so much better. Since then, I felt better about working behind the cash register, even though I make my mistakes. I don’t like when customers give confusing orders, or when they give me the money, but later on add more change after I ring up the money. They even change the order, asking for something but thinking another, but it’s a part of my job.
  • I will write a 10 list and a top 5 list later on, possibly after I leave my cleaner job. Some of the things I will write will be out there, but that’s why I titled the blog No Rug to Sweep Under. I shouldn’t have to lift the rug and sweep dirt under it, and I tried. For me, trying to sweep dirt under the rug will cause more problems. I guess I have to keep rugs out of my house. I may need to get a vacuum as well.

 

And I’m just getting started.

BLM

NRTSU2

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