Last week was the first week getting back into the gym after a month. I was sick in a 2-to-3 month span, and December was occupied with work (this year is my last year there). I go in the evening, and there was a bunch of people there. It was tough for me to do my routine, but I did what I could in the situation. At one point, there was a person on a machine I wanted to use, and they were just sitting there using their phone… yeah.
As I was working out, I noticed the amount of folks who were in shape. The dudes have been lifting, and the ladies were killing it. I felt intimidated, like I had to be up to their level. I was fighting with my conscious as I was working. I have to remember why I joined: to lose weight. Being sick and/ or having too much on my plate haltered getting in better shape, but I hope this year gives me the opportunity to kill mismanagement with time and do the things I need to do and enjoy the things I’m acquainted with and want to get acquainted with.
And I’m just getting started.
After 2 years of posting anything on YouTube and 3 years of posting any new material on YouTube, I finally posted a new beat. It’s sloppy, but it’s sloppy, and it’s there. For the longest time, I was going to do a project in between projects, something to keep the creative juices fresh. I stopped being creative in music and writing in 2015/ 2016 because I was thrown off when I had to leave a job I liked. Really, I put the blame on myself because I chose not to press on.
I wasn’t lazy, though. I have been playing/ practicing the ukulele off and on. I have about 4 of them now. I also purchased/ adopted a cajón and small percussion instruments. My goal was to make music, get more instruments, and share what I’ve done. I was also wanting to be more technical so that I can know more of the software that I’m using. The most recent goal was to share it, and if folks liked them enough to maybe use them, we could negotiate something. Now, I just want to get moderately creative and still to it until I croak.
I needed motivation. Back then, I don’t know where it came from. I did things for fun, I had support, or I was trying to be like someone like J Dilla. What motivates me now? I want to finish what I started. There’s music I’m planning to dedicate to folks, and I don’t want to back out of it. There are stories I want to write. I’m currently open to say these things because back then my mind was on some other stuff that was either unnecessary or it should have been shut off.
I went to a gravesite to pay a visit because it was something I do every year, and it took too long to go this year. It was a moment, and I was inspired. Whatever weight I was carrying was released, or a good amount of it. I’m slow at being creative, but I’m back at it. What’s scary is that I don’t want to disappoint, but I’ll be disappointing myself if I don’t go through with it all. The first step may be saying to myself I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t need to quit if I don’t get it right the first time. So, music and writing will be more prominent if it’s willed and as I pray about it. If I don’t do it, who will? Time to go forward.
I’m just getting started.
A few months ago, I had a few dreams that had me react in a manner I don’t want to return to. The main dream I remember was the one where I saw friends from a distance from church walking somewhere with a hill. The look on their face had a reflective concern. They meet up with a person, a woman, who I met while in seminary. It was two parts of my life coming together without one knowing the other. Now, I believe a while later after the dream two friends of mine showed up to the mall where I worked, and one told me the other is getting married and I had to guess. I was in a congratulatory mood afterwards, but later I was feeling down because of how I was at the moment. I didn’t feel bad that the two was getting married. I was down because of what I didn’t do in the past. Most of the time, I didn’t say how I felt, and I didn’t take risks when it came to trying to date women. I felt like I missed out. How wrong I am.
The whole sequence of events was trippy. I wished I was in a better position according to my view, when it came to relationships, work, and education, whatever at my age. Was this an early stage of mid-life crisis? Nah. I was just down for a while plus there were a lot of things I didn’t close the chapter to. They happened to come up when the sequence of events happened. So, I thought about it all, tried to figure out why the dream came about, and did my best to make amends with myself.
Around one or two weeks later, I had another dream, and in it, a young woman was interacting with me, and I was annoyed by it. I asked her what she wanted, and she replied that she wanted to get to know me. I thought she was getting on my nerves, but it was just her way of getting to know me. And she looked like a woman I would have nothing to do with, we were on two different sides of the fence, we would most likely not be into the same things, she is not my type, I shouldn’t be hers, and I’m making a lot of excuses. I was very shallow, thinking I was better than the young woman in the dream and who she represents. After the dream, I did a bit of reflection, and I viewed it as expanding the horizon. When it comes to personality, I must be open to different types. I shouldn’t think anyone is superior/ inferior based on personality. And I’ve been told for ages that opposites attract, so I’ll take note of it. I have my reservations on a few things, but I think life would be boring if I was continuously around someone who had the same personality as I did. I’m thankful for the dreams and the experience(s) I had that opened up these lessons.
And I’m just getting started.
Yesterday was the first time I’ve been in the gym in about 3-4 weeks. Two to three weeks ago, I was very sick, and the week before I thought I was focused on other things other than what I wanted to do. I was discouraged by a few situations, and my mind was in other places. And I messed up my voice two Saturdays ago, so I’m glad it’s almost returned. I couldn’t wait to get back to working out, too. When I did, I did two sets of various exercises because I ate two biscuits a while before, and it was still on/ sitting in my stomach. But I was happy to be back to working out. I want to lose some of my belly, and I wouldn’t mind definition in my arms. What I dread doing again is the cardiovascular exercises next week because I’m not a fan of them. My heart burns quickly when I run/ jog, so it will be useful to help my heart by doing cardiovascular exercises. Also, I want to get more confidence. I want to feel good about exercising and the results of it. I hope I can get more motivation, like seeing a nice woman walking by (wrong reason to get back to the gym :P). Also, my eating habits will have to change. I snacked too much.
And I’m just getting started.
It’s easy for me to write my thoughts on what went down last week during the protests and the messed-up death that happened because of conflict. It’s not easy for me to take action. I’m learning how to process this and become a voice instead of being quiet allowing things to happen.
Nothing is new under the sun. There have been protests in the past that became violent. I’m sure that there were deaths because of it, too. This one hits home, again. One side wants to express their thoughts on racial supremacy and up-keeping its history. The other side wants to disagree and remove some public property because of what it represents. What’s crazy to me, and it’s always is, is that the death was of the same race/ ethnicity. I thought it was about the preservation of the certain “race,” not destroying it.
The whole nationalist thing is messed up to me. I don’t see nothing that’s threatening their existence on this planet, yet they want to express how they’re better than everyone else. The actions because of it was never accepted, and some of it was swept under the rug. I believe all of the actions and crimes, mentioned or not, will be accounted for at the end. I’m glad that some of the government said something about it, but these things must be properly handled.
I was told how some church leaders don’t address the discrimination going on for various reasons. I was also told that the Church should be at the forefront in dealing with these issues, and I agree. The Church shouldn’t stand by and let issues slide, since the Church already faces discrimination for being the Church. They were going through stuff like this then. People have tried to live peaceful without Jesus, and it’s not working. Conflicts happen, like this nationalist stuff, and no one is truly at peace. The Church must pray, pray, and stand against the spiritual attacks of racial discrimination.
This racial stuff in America and throughout the world is too much. It’s always been Post American Civil War, people of my skin color have tried to live free, but there have been opposition to it, so what’s really going on? Why have these groups? What’s really in danger, living alongside people of color, the guilt of the actions committed, or facing the fear of being around someone who’s different?