Not Right Now.

My father wants to be a grandfather. He has mentioned it before, but it was seriously suggested last year. A few other relatives, including my mother, has mentioned it, but the suggestion died out. The relationship between my father and I is distant. We haven’t really kept in touch since the late 90s. He wants to be a grandfather because he’s getting old, in his mid 50s.

I haven’t strongly responded to his request because my response would be too sharp. I don’t want to be a father, not yet. I don’t have the finances, the maturity, or training, the patience, and the wife to be a father. Before becoming a father, I have to become a husband first, I think. I strongly believe it would be a mistake to father a child without being married, and I’m far from being in a relationship.

It would be crazy if I agreed with his request and fathered a child with someone I don’t care about. It is most likely there were folks who have done that. They just wanted to be a parent to a child for their own reason. On a court show, a young man testified that he wanted to father a child because he didn’t know how long he was going to be alive due to the situations he was in. What would I tell people? Saying, “I wanted to be a father because my father wanted a grandson/ granddaughter.” I don’t know. I would want to be a father because it would be decided between me and my wife, or that I wanted to have a family.

I’m not rushing anything. If I am to be a father, that’s for me and the Lord to talk about first. My father, and others, are going to have to wait a little longer for an answer. I’m glad I wasn’t going through life hormone first because I would have already had a child or more. I’m being cautious so that fatherhood isn’t started because of a mistake. I’m not getting any younger, but I need to develop more before taking that huge step.

 

And I’m just getting started.

BLM

NRTSU2

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Inner Culture Shock?

Disclaimer: I forgot what culture shock means, but I’ll look it up later.

 

Before a Super Bowl party, I bought some chips (Doritos) after working a few hours, and went home for a nap. After a nap, I went to the party, and when I got there I put the chips in the freezer. Later on, the co-host, the wife, opened the freezer and saw the chips. She asked who put the chips in the freezer, and I spoke up after ciphering through the sounds. The response were various, from intrigued to questionable. Some asked why I put chips in the freezer, and I said it tasted better and they have a more crisp texture, but it didn’t come out that way. A few guys tried the chips, but the chips weren’t all the way cold/ frozen.

This isn’t the first time this had happened, I think. I discovered freezing Doritos chips several years ago at home just to see what cold chips tasted like, and I liked it. I went back to seminary out of my home state, and I mentioned it with a young adult church small group, and they were puzzled, and one of them dipped into Black mannerisms (they were Chinese).

With all being said, I wonder how much isn’t shared within America’s various cultures. I know food is a big inviter, clothing, too, but what about everything else? Exchanges go on between various cultures, colors, and people groups. Some cultures borrow from other cultures without giving recognition. I find that messed up. Some cultures dismiss what other cultures do or make what they do super exclusive, and that can be messed up, too. Example: originally, Hip-Hop music was thought to be a fad at first, but now it’s in people’s family photo. When I opened people up to what I was doing with my food, it was like they saw Bigfoot.

I had a chip on my shoulder. Psyche. I have a grudge that I need to let go of. I have a problem when a person or more shows something from their culture/ people group, and it’s dismissed and/ or taken. Or if they do something that receives low response, but when someone from another culture/ people group does it, it gets high praises. I don’t like it, and I wish for it not to happen, but they do, and I must let it go.

I don’t know how to end this, but to say don’t be afraid to step out of the box. I think when people stay inside of their box; fear is built up for anything outside of their box. Life is too short to hate on what’s outside of the box. If anyone is introduced to something new, don’t be afraid to try it out before moving forward. Why not try food from the Russians, or check out the clothing styles from Kenya, or listen to music from Sweden. I’m different in my own box, anyway, so why not do what I do. That fear is keeping people in bondage. Drop it and start sharing.

 

And I’m just getting started.

BLM

NRTSU2

A Single Introverted Man’s Journey, 6/29/16.

I thought I saw a ghost. I did, actually, in the form of an unsuccessful opportunity. Well, more than one. About a month ago, I was starting my morning shift at work, when a young woman was approaching our restaurant, asking about her card she misplaced. She thought she left it at our register. It wasn’t there, I had just arrived for my shift, and she ordered her food before I started my job. I recognized the woman, as we had taken a class in college before, and I tried to get to know her better after summer school, with hope of a relationship. She didn’t think it would work. A few years later, I found out that she was married. Fast forward to the present, I see her, and noticed that she didn’t have a ring on the left ring finger. I don’t know the situation, but with how marriage is treated in the United States, if I see a person with no wedding ring on the finger knowing that they’re married, maybe something happened. Maybe they don’t want to use wedding bands. Also, there are unmarried folks who put a ring on the left ring finger, possibly to ward people off. Later on, I thought I was better off I didn’t continue to pursue her, seeing that a lot in me has changed over the years.

Getting to the ghost thing some more, last month I was in a grocery store getting some things before going to my 2nd job, when I saw someone who reminded me of someone I met in seminary. I only saw the back of the dude’s head, but when I saw him, I immediately thought it was the dude. I was wondering, “What’s he doing in Kentucky?” if that was him. I know he is married to a person who I secretly admired back then, and they have a family. It was crazy when I found out they were dating, because I found out indirectly, and I thought the time from relationship to marriage was short. I had/ have no ill will towards the dude, but I had ill will towards the situation, what was going on during the time. Folks were acting hush-hush, and if a person wasn’t in the inner circle it was like communication was limited, at least I thought so. Fast forward to now, I’ve been focused with what’s going on around me, as some people after school do. As I said before, if it actually was the man who I met in seminary, I would wonder why he’s in my hometown. It’s not like my city is off limits. I wouldn’t think ministry would bring him to Lexington, but I could be wrong.

I would think I wouldn’t see any of the “ghosts” again based on how things ended. I believe they were put there for a reason. Honestly, I didn’t like how they ended, because they didn’t end in my favor. A whole lot of things didn’t end in my favor, but in the long run it was best because I wouldn’t have grown as much as I have. I was more stubborn then, a bit self-absorbed, and I had a whole lot of hang-ups, so to be available for a relationship could have been a disaster. I would have wanted things to go exactly my direction, I would have been stupendously disappointed at people if they had let me down, and I would have lashed out on the ones I loved more. The present self would say the previous self carried a lot of baggage. That baggage had to be dropped, unless I was doing 2 sets of 15, and then I would drop them. So, I would think, “no relationship (again) until I release the baggage.” Some may think otherwise, but based on not everyone not being the same, I’ll agree to disagree.

What would I tell folks if they’re dealing with “ghosts” while they’re single? I’m not a pro at it, and I’m far from being one, but if ever they’re dealing with “ghosts” I would say they have to be exorcised if they’re in the way of going forward. I saw those 2 examples, and I was thinking, “Something’s up.” I was supposed to see something, and it was to help me. I hope that anyone who are dealing with “ghosts” can properly handle them in maturity. For some, it’s easy to get rid of their ghosts, and I admire that. I inspire to do that, and hope for others to do the same.

 

And I’m just getting started.

BLM

NRTSU2

Brandon’s Poetry/ Writing Corner, 4/30/16.

Disclaimer: I originally posted this on Facebook back in March of 2014. And since it’s a poetry month…

 

Confessions of a Cheater

 

All I hear is the sounds of her slaps and tears

because she thought I would be faithful to her for years.

Her strikes sting, though my face shows no expression.

By the weight of the truth, I understand her aggression.

Her eyes become waterfalls as I’m looking on.

Her cheerful personality appears to be gone.

She screams statements and questions, saying she’s going to get me.

Her brother’s 6 foot 2, and he weigh 250.

When I met her, she had a smile full of sunshine.

Within minutes of talking, I wanted her to be mine.

We went out for coffee, to movies, and meals.

Her sincere kisses let me know she was real.

She took me to meet her family over food.

They liked me, since I had put them in a good mood.

Later on, I thought we had monotonous routines,

so I went out alone to explore new scenes.

I then connect with who she calls a slut from a stare.

One thing led to another. Now, I’m in an affair.

She didn’t know of my whereabouts because I lied.

She then discovered through my phone* someone (else) on the side.

All this time, I could have kept my agreement alive.

Instead, it dwindled to let my curiosity thrive.

I allowed my body to make the decisions.

Both parties didn’t know about my intentions.

When her father heard about it, he called me to cuss me out.

I would rather face him and his son in a bout.

My control of the situation became a bust.

Her love for me changed since I lost her trust.

I had something so wonderful, and I let it go.

The chance of forgiving my selfishness is low.

I’ll give anything just to see a smile back on her face.

Her brother’s feet step out of a truck in a parking space.

 

  • Edited from “She then discovered I was seeing…”

 

NRTSU2

Image (262)

This is where I originally wrote the piece.

A Single Introverted Man’s Journey, 1/11/16.

At one point in life, I come to know people, and I’m introduced to their significant other, the girlfriend/ boyfriend. Their either a couple when I meet them, or they get in a relationship later on in life. They’re pretty cool, too, they have a cool temperament and generally welcoming. Later on in life, some of them end their relationship. It’s weird to me because I would see them on different occasions and have conversations, and they’re still cool with me and vice versa (with a few that aren’t). I would think it would be awkward if I see them in the same area. I’m not saying I’m in the middle or choosing sides. It’s like I spoke to John Doe on Wednesday who used to go with Jane, and I speak to Jane on Friday who has moved on. I’m still cool with them, yet I hope they have reconciled their friendship.

Now, I want to address something that has happened to me and others. Some of us had been talking to someone, starting a friendship, and it’s pretty cool. The communication is going well, we seem to like each other, and all of a sudden it stops. The person ceases to communicate. Some of us are left with a “What’s going on,” or a “Was it something I said, or a “Why.” For some reason, the person on the other end stops communicating, and I think that’s rude to leave the other person hanging. I think people deserve a little reason why the communication should stop, unless the people did or said something harmful, and it seems best to distance themselves. It’s possible that folks feed off of the self-esteem of those who had good expectations into a relationship. It’s also possible that insecurity got in the way, and they cut ties. For whatever reason, the people who are left empty must deal with what’s going on and rise above it. Most likely, the door closed so that a new door can open. I personally don’t like unfinished chapters, and would rather finish them and have closure, but there may be things that will reveal themselves later and a person like me will go, “Oh. That’s why that happened.”

 

And I’m just getting started.

BLM

NRTSU2